In January of this year, Thomas asked me a question that changed our family & our forever. I remember how sweetly he asked me about what I thought about starting a family and having children. When he asked me thousands of questions seemed to race before my eyes, but I told him honestly that I didn’t feel ready. I had one more semester of school before graduating (finally!) in December & I wanted to graduate before we went down the road to Babyville. He agreed that going to school and having a baby would be hard & so that was the end of our conversation for the time being. But it was only the beginning of a question that consumed my thoughts.
“We have only been married 5 months,” I told myself. “I’m not ready for motherhood, I’m just learning how to be a wife!” Thomas has always loved children & his demeanor is perfect for that of a wonderful father. As I thought about myself, doubt crept in. I’ve never been a baby hungry female. I think babies are cute but I’m happy to look at them from afar while their mother takes care of them. I’ve never been one to drool over little baby shoes or keep a running list of all the children’s names I like. Now before you go thinking I’m a child hater, just know this– I was letting all these excuses cloud my vision of what motherhood really is. Motherhood is a calling from a loving Heavenly Father on high.
As February came I kept having little baby thoughts. I wanted to forget them but I kept having the feeling I needed to ask Heavenly Father about what he wanted me to do. My problem was, I already felt deep down in my heart what He wanted me to do. My will wasn’t aligned with His. I wanted to graduate in December, get some good fulltime job & work & then when Thomas was closer to graduation, think about adding a number 3 to our family. That was my idea of a good plan. But my heart knew that I needed to pray & ask for myself.
After a few weeks, I humbled myself. I remember one day I decided to fast & pray. I didn’t tell Thomas because I felt that he already had his answer and I needed my own. The feelings of peace that came were undeniable. I was taught for what was probably the 7x70th time in my life what it means to give my will to Heavenly Father and accept His plan. I did however, feel that Heavenly Father wanted me to finish my degree before I had a baby. As I did the math, I realized that very next month, March, was 9 months from December. “But hardly anyone gets pregnant right when they start trying,” I thought. “Maybe it was going to take us a while for me to get pregnant & so Heavenly Father wants us to get a head start or something.” But nonetheless, when I told Thomas about the answer I received he was ecstatic and he loved the idea of starting to try in March.
In April, when my irregular 5-6 week visit from my good pal didn’t come, Thomas’ excitement grew about as fast as my fear seemed to. He basically dragged me to the nearby CVS to purchase a pregnancy test. I was looking around wildly in case we saw someone we knew like a ridiculous 15-year-old fully prepared to grab a big bag of chips to throw on top of the 2 test box so whomever it was wouldn’t see what we were buying. We left thankfully with only seeing strangers & then we went home. I told Thomas I needed to do it alone, which he kindly obliged. As a big, dark + sign appeared on the test, I again felt peace wash over me. This was right. This little child needed to come to our family now. This is what Heavenly Father wanted. It was in that moment where it truly became what I wanted, too. I don’t know why it happened for us so fast & for some who long for pregancy it takes so long. But what I do know is this- Heavenly Father has a plan for every single person. As we forget ourselves & put our faith in him, he creates a life more beautiful for us than we could have ever imagined.